the thing that i want most right now more than ever, is to organize my mind and focus on the things that are of more importance. i want to be able instead of going over the things that i know about this world and the divine and people as one, and start applying it. if i am going to help this universe, i need to get over the fears that i have of my own... because if i dont, i will just be playing into this physical reality gap. i just need to find a place to start and a place to be heard.

i wouldnt call it karma... but it does exist, like attracts like. easy as that

my eyes have been opening wider for years, after a while gathering momentum. at first i listened to everything that i heard, but never put down anyone for their faith, i just listened. i'm not very sure about jesus and everything, but from what i have heard and read, he was a metaphore for the universal divine, i am willing to say that its a high posibility as everything is possible, which is very obvious because we all have life. but to me everyone should know that something else is out there no matter what they may say it is or whether they put it into religious value, we all detect its presence... we all speak of the same thing but we just know it as some thing else. right now i can say that i am facing one of my hardest times because i know that the main thing that has an impact on this world and universe, cannot be seen, and if it cannot be seen, then where do you start to serve this unseen entity. what we cannot see is the most important thing right now, this world that i live in is almost devouring itself from closed minds, but the closest connection that we have to this unseen entity is by our minds. from the divine enters the soul from the soul to the uncoscious from there the conscious and then you open your eyes and you see what you and others have created. some people choose to believe only what they see, but i will not be one of them.

the most difficult thing for me about love, is expressing it. i have no idea why but it is very hard for me to express love, but my love is very very deep and unexplainable... there isnt any thing that i can think of that i could do that would let me express my love the way that i feel it.

who, what, when, where, and why are you? these questions really matter because when you look in the mirror, that is not you, thats just your cover.

        that question is one of the hardest questions for me to answer in a way that truly describes me. if i were given the right to answer this in a few short words, i would simply say that "i am me".
         the question "who am i", strikes me as a very complex question, it is a question that to me can only be answered by my subconscious mind, my soul, and my universe combined. it is not a question that i take at face value. it is a message that i pass on to the entities that define me, which are closer or of the divine that can tell me what and who i am as far as a unique individual, and hopefully they will send a message back to my conscious mind, otherwise i am clueless of the answer.
       i will try to answer this question the best way that i can.... i am a person who knows that i am here for a reason, as are the rest of us, but since we are just talking about me... i am an entity that knows that there is something that i am supposed to do in my life, something of a great value to mankind and myself. i am to bring a better understanding to myself and others, being unnoticed while doing so. i am am someone who knows that there is much more than my five senses can sense, while knowing that that unpinnable sense knows that what i sense with it, is more complex and is more valuable than my other five senses. i am my soul, which has an unbroken dedication to the divine, while in return has had my subconscious mind dedicate itself to it, along with my conscious mind dedicated to my subconscious mind. i am not a leader nor a follower, i am just a close connection to everyone and everything, as they are to me.  i am a seeker of questions and i am a vessel for my universe. i am light, an energy, an entity, i am me.

when i witnessed the love that my boyfriends mom had for her children and i( to my surprise). i never believed love could be found in families, i thought the truth of that was like fairy tales or for movies and books. i shed a few tears when she gave me a silver heart necklace and told me that i was part of the family... it took me 18 years to see unconditional love with my own eyes. and even still i dont feel at ease, because i never had this before, it is all new to me, but it feels so right.

this world, this world, oh my... "why does it exist i wonder some times",  just what if, we were stripped of our bodies, our materials, our everything, except our emotions, what if were were able to be only that invisible entity inside of us without any physical properties. what if we were just our love, our hate, our passion, our desire, our faith, our freedom, just what if we could not be seen in any type of way, but fill everything in our wake. just what if we were only our souls with out a body and enhabit this earth, what would it be like? would it feel like the wind or no it wouldnt have a feel at all. would it be that our souls were free to roam in and out of everything and could overlap anothers soul, something that we cant acheive with these bodies that we have, where the closest we can get to another is from our skin touching another, or our words which can only go so far into another.

but since we have all the underlined above AND these bodies, and every other physical propertity, we have to have those five senses see, touch, hear, smell, and taste... those all combined with our ego, skin color, and imagination, hunger and drive.... all i can say is damn it... because if you look at the earth now, this is what we have created...

i met my boyfriend at milton hershey school when i was 14 years old. i was asking about another boy, just so i could talk to him. he soon after that became my best friend, he knew everything about me that i would never tell anyone else. we started sneaking up late at night while all the other kids were sleep, not caring of the consequences from our house parents. a while after that, i fell into manic depression, and with all honesty, i believe he saved my life and my sanity. i left the school a while after that and moved to memphis, and we still wrote, emailed and talked on the phone. we talked through me being in foster care, not looking down on me at all. later on i moved to las vegas, and had to move again. he told me to come back with him. and we've been together for 2 years and known each other for 5 years. he is my best friend and my love.

good question, lol. my nick name is winter and i have it tattooed on my back. winter to me, represents me deep down in side. winter some how makes me feel as if i am not so alone. winter is beautiful, but at the same time so cold and lonely. fun can be made out of winter, but still it is winter. there is no other season like winter, winter is one of those things that have the ability to show that there is some thing much more. winter can show itself in all kind of forms but still it is winter. winter some how seems out of place and so unlike any other season, winter is the last season of the year, but it is also the beginning.... there is just something about that season winter.

i would recommend them to think outside the box we all live in... it does wonders

starry night

another strand of trust was born into me 2day. i realized that i can't do this alone, life. i hate not having contol over me and my surroudings and what happens 2 me... but i realised that i just have to put my whole trust in god. this requires me 2 be vulnerable which i do not like... but truly the people in this world, especially since i have found gaia and its members, it has really taught me something....reading what others have to say...

i realized, how will you ever get anything if you dont give up anything... something like one of the rules of alchemy i guess you could say.

like i said another strand of trust was born into me 2day.

 i confess... i have been scared of everything, the world, my people of this world, my universe, my life, the people that i love, my financial situations, my past, my future, my emmediate family, help from me 2 others and others 2 me, college, how my dreams would be acheived ( I WOULD LIKE TO THANK *CLEMO* OF GAIA FOR HIS WORDS ABOUT PUTTING HIS DREAMS IN GODS HANDS, IT REALLY MORE THAN INSPIRED ME) i feared for everything... but as of 2day, no more...

i was talking to my father yesterday, who is an ordained minister (christian). i confessed to him that i have no religion. at first he was skeptical, but he did not look down on me. we talked for 3 hours about our views on religion... i asked him a few questions and he told me his answers and i contributed to them from my side of view. although i have no religion, he and i both know that our outlook about a higher power is the same...

i asked him " if you were born in a different place and a different time, and you just knew that there was something more to life than what you are able to see, and you started putting your faith in that source, would you say that that source would be god?" he said that yes whether it was a different religion that he was in at that place and whether he worshipped a statue ar an animal, whatever the case, that source would be god even if it was under another name, because he would know that there was a higher existance whatever it was called. he says that who he believes in was influenced by his surroundings, such as family, and churches, people and experiences. he also says that if none of these things were around him, he doesnt think that he would feel as strong as he does about his religion and if you would like to say "this particular god", and jesus.

i asked him the same question above, but without there being any religions around...
he says that, that source that he knew was of higher existance would be god, even if he called it some thing else... (NO OFFENSE ANYONE) he says that you can see that people of all cultures knew that there was something there, like cultures who first grew up without any religion, but knew that there was something there, and turned to worshipping animals, rocks, statues, gods, wind gods, water gods, anything....etc.


****so this is my personal opinion... would you say that it is safe to say that at apoint earlier in life before there were religions at all, people in groups knew that there was something higher up than them... in this group they could have used anything to symbolize this source?... is it safe to say that as these groups of people advanced, that symbol of earlier choice had passed through generations?... is it safe to say that a religion couldnt have just come from nothing and always was? (metaphorically speaking, they say you have to have went to college to be considered educated and to be looked at for a good job, when the first person or people who thought of or made college, didnt have a degree and never went to college before they made it)...
is it safe to say that it is possible that as these groups had their religion already formed and name etc, that by the time that contact was made amongst groups, that their ideal of this source clashed, because each person was brought up another way than the other, and wouldnt abandoned it because they all knew what they were talking about, they knew that this source was there and alive and real. there religion was passed down from generation to generation, but they all knew that this source was real. these groups may not have had the same religion as the other... but that same higher power that they knew existed was the same and didnt know it because they had there own religions and different ways of going about this presence and ways to worship this power....

is it safe to say that this higher power did get close to these religions on a deeper level, such as jesus being born, buddha, animal, planets.. is it possible that this higher source showed itself  accordingly?
 
i just want to know if it is safe to say that this is possibly going on today?

when it snows... it is one of the most beautiful things... plus theres a lot of stuff to do when it snows... oh yea and the new years of course... a new beginning, a chance to start over fresh.

the earth is round... every person, induvidually JUST YOU, is on top and stands higher than the person next to them at there individual angle point...and that person next to you the same goes to them, individually as one person and there one angle point.... when we make love and when a woman is pregnant, these are 1 of the very rare things that allow us to be one with another....

no one is better than the other... if you look down on another... remember that even though you are at the high top, that other person is also at there angle point in the circle, which them as an individual, they are also at the high top and higher up than you...

there are no mistakes as how the earth is made... every one is a unique individual, an individual person, but yet the same as everyone else... like the points on a circle veiw it from different angles....

realizing every single thing on this earth that is free that man clames to own.... everything is free

the venus project has been motivating me... knowing that there are other people that have opened their eyes to whats happened and is happening to this world that man brought unto himself. but not only that... but people who are looking for ways to use what the earth gave us naturally and unaltered to help us all without enslaving anyone anymore.

this morning, i walked to the lake to feed the ducks for the first time.... having all of them come up to me and show trust really put a days worth of smiling on my face... "something so simple but filled with everything"... but when that big swan thing came out the water towards me tryna get greedy...hell i threw him the rest of the bread,  it was definately time to go.

finally being released from state custody and knowing that i wouldnt have to go back to the orphanage or foster home again... that was a birst of fresh air... i wasnt able to get my high school diploma because they turned me away when i registered stating that i had to have a legal guardian... but atleast in 2008 i didnt let my past hold me back from my goals and dreams, so i took care of my GED and am now enrolled in college full time and i accomplished these two good things in 2008