the thing that i love most about my life right now is that i im in the process of change. my life is only getting better moment by moment.... and i love that i am experiencing life right now.

i have the hardest time asking for help... when i ask for help, it makes me feel weak

i find the sacred and the divine in my mind, my thoughts and everyone elses... to me the mind is sacred because only the person which it combines with is able to experience it.
it holds everything that has ever happened to you in your life.

 it was there through every hard time and good time, and it will never forget, it is a friend that will never look down on you nor will it leave you.. but it also holds much more than that... the mind "not brain" was always there before your body was formed, your mind chose to inhabit your body, you did not choose it... your mind always will be...

this just may be who you really are.

it holds the key to open the door to the divine and it is solo to itslef "BUT" it is combined with all minds and things adrift and things combined with matter... it is so close to everything else that if you could see it, you would not be able to see where it seperates from any thing else... that is because it doesnt, but it is still solo in itself

i am living

i take time to reflect on my day in the morning and at night , whether it be praying or writing to god in my diary... i dont really know how to meditate, but i would love to learn... i also take time to reflect many times throughout the day, when i am happy and when i am sad or just feel lost. i take a step back mentally and analyze the situation many times (well im a double taurus, with a virgo ascendant).

but the last time that i took time to reflect was this morning when i let my emotions get the best of me and clinged to an attitude towards the wrong people. i realized that i had no right at all, and whoever crossed my path during this time, has and had any and every right to be upset with me for it. i will deeply apolagize with all my heart although i know that this will not take away the way that i acted.

"someone is always worse off than you even if it isn't in the same way...it could be a lot worse",my boyfriend daymein has told me this many times. i believed him and i've known this from seeing, hearing, and feeling. i accepted this, but i always would feel, " just because someone is worse off than you, that doesnt mean that my problems arent bad and that doesnt make them go away, although i am thankful that i don't have the problems that they do."
          living in Las Vegas was hard, when i saw many many many people living in card board boxes along the streets. yes it did hurt me very much so, and yes it is different when you see things first hand and not on tv.... but yesterday, nothing has hurt me as much as it has in a while as it did when i saw this young girl maybe  two or three years younger than me, about 16 or 17.
         it was cold as hell outside, i was on my way to my new student orientation,in the car on the passing packed road along with the other cars, when i saw a girl in a  semi-thick jacket with her hands balled up inside her sleeves holding a sign that said " homeless, i have no where to go, i need help with shelter and food", standing on the side of the road... this young girl... this could have been me... way too many times, at times i was just inches away from that, but i was fortunate and god picked me up when he saw me falling... and not many people are that lucky, but i was.
        before you have the nerve to think what i thought before about "someone being worse off than you...", really think of how fortunate you are. there are many people roaming this earth that have very very bad problems... you may have very very bad problems too, because i know that i do. but just think back and think of or go see what could've happened to you that didnt, that is happening to someone else, even if it was just a small tweak such as the family you were born into, an opportunity that arose, someone who crossed your path and leant a helping hand, or just finding some money on the ground, that kept you from it ....

Since I cannot really think of the very last time, which I believe that these things happen all the time.... I will just say that the last one I received, was when my school advisor told me that this is how school is, "hard" and "time consuming".... which came to me as a blessing of better understanding

I asked her how I could have time to do my own studies on the side, studies such as what runs my reasoning of life, i told her that i never have time to do them and that there must be an easier way to go about my school duties and have time for "my studies" or a way to incorporate my studies with school studies, as this is my reasoning for going in the first place.

She in turn told me that I can't and won't have time, simply because it's impossible...and that i could do my studies during school breaks. she also told me that the ways that I go about  my school work are of the "perfect student", that there really isn't a problem at all with how I go about schooling. And that what I learn here is going to give me skills for international demands..... but do you know what i got out of this?...  What I thought about School and political shit  was right, to an extent...
   
That these man made things such as college all the way to money is a trap... to keep you, to keep you as a vessel to political/ governmental bullshit. You will be left with out time to understand and observe and to live life itself. You will be carried away by the harsh winds of a man made proposed duty by  men who bleed and die or already have, just as you will. You will not have time to nurture your cares and what you want nor what you want to do with your life, this only applies "IF" you are one  who wishes to care about life and not all material gains or status etc. I'ts almost as if you have to make a choice of, "GO TO PRISON OR BE FREE AND STARVE", because man believes and "appears" to own everything that grows and whatever may be needed to keep us breathing.... So, with out much options we may choose to got to prison, to slave for Man.

But I AM NOT a vessel of Man but I AM A VESSEL OF THE UNIVERSE... I have a duty from the DIVINE which I must carry out.... This blessing left me with a better understanding as to why I must carry out my duty.